Let's Talk
by squidgyalien
Summary: The Doctor and The Captain. Both broken and both running. Both wishing for a little bit of light in the universe. Rated T for some language and the existence of one Captain Jack Harkness. Set after Children of Earth and The Waters of Mars.
1. Chapter 1

Let's talk.

A little drabble set shortly after The Children of Earth and after The Water's of Mars

Disclaimer [don't own Torchwood or Doctor Who, but if I did……The Doctor would have actually been in at least one torchwood episode.]

(Has one or two likkle swear words in it……..so shoot me already)

* * *

Lights seemed to follow him as he walked along the corridor of the star ship, activating every time his feet touched the floor. He knew a lot of people who found that comforting, a little dog -like light, keeping in time with their footsteps like a benevolent spirit. Not him. It was one of the many things that Captain Jack Harkness detested about the ship he had so very hastily transmatted to. Another thing that he hated about the ship was that it was completely _manned_. Now normally that wouldn't have been a problem, Jack was incredibly flexible when it came to, ahem, _dancing,_ but the problem was all of the crew were straight. Every single one of them. And there wasn't a single woman on board. So any chance of a quick fling on the ship was, rather unfortunately, _grounded._

But, still, Jack thought it was worth it, if only to get away from what he was running from. Practically everyone on board was a bachelor and those who weren't, well, they had discovered that talking about their families wasn't the best thing to do on a ship which was full of men who didn't really grasp the meaning of the word. He wished that he could think like they did, sometimes he pretended that he could and he would laugh, joke, fart and belch with rest of them. But when the messing about ended, he would resume staring into the distance, lost in memories he no longer wanted.

"_Harkness…"_

There was a rush of static,

"_Harkness, pick up the bloody communicator all ready…………JACK!"_

Jack sighed; there was a time when people called him Captain. Not anymore.

"_Receiving, Maxwell, no need to get all worked up"_

"Yeah_? Well next time pick it up, instead of just ignoring me HUH? Not too difficult is it?"_

Maxwell's irate whinging was beginning to grate on his nerves.

"_Look just tell me what the problem is, then I'll get it sorted"_

"_Fine, down in storage nine, Kyate heard a weird noise, thought maybe someone had managed to stowaway when we were on Horfnell, you're closest. Go check it out"_

"_Yes, _Sir"

Jack switched his communicator off with a scowl. Maxwell was such a douche.

He strode down the corridor, heading for the storage section. He found the stowaway theory a bit odd, storage was _way_ down the back of the ship, not the first place you'd want to go if you'd stowed on board, it was too hot for starters; the engine rooms were just below. And how would a stowaway manage to traverse the whole of the ship without anyone noticing? It just didn't fit. Jack had learnt through his long life that if something didn't fit, it probably was not going to be a good thing.

When he arrived at storage he grasped the gun he was carrying and made it ready to shoot, just because he couldn't die, didn't mean the rest of the crew couldn't. Who knew what kind of beastie this could be? And apart from Maxwell, he sorta liked the crew. He pressed his ear to the door of the room, listening for any sound of movement. For a few seconds he could hear nothing but the steady hum of the engines working full pelt and the slow measured sound of his breathing. Then,_ there!_ A slight sound like somebody walking into something, and a muffled curse. Sounded like a man, so not just some kid who had hitched a ride for shits and giggles then.

He took a deep breath and then forced open the door with as much noise as possible, adding in a few shouts and flicking the lights on as he did so. Sometimes this approach worked, intimidating the enemy, other times it didn't.

"Put your hands up in the air mister, where I can see 'em"

It was only then he realised that the voice had seemed awfully familiar.

And that he was pointing a gun at him.

"_Doctor?!"_

"Hello Jack"

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So.....what do you think? review please :)


	2. Chapter 2

Here it is...the next part :) it's weird, but whenever i imagine a scenario where the Doctor's telling people about himself...Jack's always in it......of that make what you will.

Disclaimer: entered a competition to win some Doctor Who merchandise today...hopefully i will own that :) if not i'll have to make do with owning nothing.

* * *

Jack just stared at the Doctor, (who was blinking rapidly in the sudden light) convinced his mind was playing tricks. But he knew that it wasn't. He was here. Right in front of him. And he just couldn't help thinking '_why couldn't you find me a few months earlier?'_

_Why?_

"Jack? You alright?" The Doctor's voice was thick with concern. "Jack?"

Jack managed to choke out a sentence "I'm fine Doc. Just…just give me a minute to get over the shock"

The Doctor nodded. As if understood the feelings raging through Jack, but how could he? He wasn't there. He'd abandoned Jack when he had needed him most. The Captain wrenched his thoughts away from the past, concentrating solely on the present, though finding it difficult in the presence of a man where the word 'past' had little meaning.

"What are you doing here?" he finally managed to ask.

"Erm….to be honest I'm not really sure, it just…happened" The Doctor shot him a quick grin. Same as always. Although…was it him or did the Doc's smile look a bit forced? He looked _tired_. That was it. The Doctor looked almost…defeated.

"Are _you _ok? Because Doc, seriously you don't look to good."

The Doctor's eyes flashed with annoyance "Neither do you Jack."

"Hey! I was just asking"

Then, so quickly Jack only just caught sight of the slight change, the Doctor appeared to cave in on himself, his eyes losing the glint that was _always _there and he looked so broken.

He spoke in a whisper

"_I know Jack. I know"_

Jack had never seen the Doctor look so vulnerable. Not even on the Valiant as a little golem-looking creature. He moved closer, setting the gun down as he did so and grasped the Doctor's arms, expecting him to shrug him off, or at the very least do _something_. But he didn't, just stood there with pain in his eyes, smelling faintly of alcohol.

God! Had the Doctor been drinking? It would explain the slightly glazed look in his eyes, and the mood swing from anger to despair. But _why_ had the Doc been drinking? Something was very wrong here.

"_I went too far Jack."_ The Doctor was practically pleading with his eyes. And now that Jack was holding him, he could feel him swaying slightly. Just what had he been drinking? He was always under the impression the Doc couldn't get drunk, so what ever it was it was strong.

Jack decided to take the initiative. He walked the Doctor to the door, "Come with me," he said "We need to talk."

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What D'ya think? me likey reviews...please!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N :Hello chapter 3! this one's fairly short. You know, i didn't intend for this story to be more then Three chapters, but here we are and i'm only almost halfway...the next chapter is sort of on it's way...i know where it's heading, only writers block has attacked and is taking no prisoners! So the next chapter might take some time to get put up :(

Anyways...review?

Disclaimer: As soon as i know i own Doctor who, You'll know.

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Jack led the unresisting Time Lord to the canteen, and placed a cup of tea in front of him. He knew the Doctor liked tea, though Jack himself preferred coffee, especially Ianto's…..No. Don't think about that.

Concentrate on The Doctor.

Now that Jack could see him clearly he saw just how rough he looked. He knew the Doctor didn't do a lot of sleeping, but...right now he looked as he'd been awake for weeks, and been on edge the entire time. His face was pale. Paler then it normally was, making his dark eyes stand out all the more. He was twitchy, as if expecting something to happen any moment, but even with the sudden movements and the way he looked so tense, Jack couldn't see the vibrancy and the pure alive-ness that he associated with this regeneration.

What had happened to the Doctor, the man who carried on no matter what, to make him seem so lost? If there was one thing that had always comforted Jack was that whatever he had been through, it was nothing compared to the Doctor, and he still got through life.

But now that he had seen the Doctor like this, he wasn't sure whether he could keep going. His rock, though the Doctor wasn't always there, had crumbled.

Suddenly, his radio squawked.

"_Jack. Did you sort out the problem? Was it a stowaway?"_

Jack eyed the Doctor, expecting some sort of reaction, a small smirk at being called a stowaway perhaps?

Nothing. He just stared into his tea as if he wanted to drown in it.

He sighed "_it was nothing Maxwell, just a couple of containers fell. That's all"_

"_Good. Make sure you pick 'em up"_

"_Sure."_

Jack turned the communicator off. He didn't want anyone interrupting this. Though he wasn't entirely sure how to start the conversation. Maybe, _well guess what doc? I threw in Torchwood, Yep, ended up losing my partner and murdering my Grandchild, how about that for a retirement story?, oh and, I was just wondering, why the hell are you so out of it?_

Probably not a good way to start the conversation.

But there was something that was bothering him, more then the Doctors decidedly comatose state.

"Where's Donna?"

The Doctor looked up with bleary eyes.

"She's dead."

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If you review, i will send you virtual hugs....{....}...see, you get one just for reading:)


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Writers block : Nil....Mental fanfic writer: One! Oh yes!, i've won this round people....now i just need to win the war! This one's a bit longer, just like you asked so....enjoy and review oh And thanks to Rachel for reviewing...you were anonomous so i couldn't PM you :)

Disclaimer: I own the stamina to watch a Torchwood Marathon.....it's GOOOOOD! But the programmes? ....Nah. :(

* * *

"_She's dead."_

The two words sent Jack reeling, not Donna, not the DoctorDonna. It wasn't possible.

"What happened!?"

"She couldn't take it. My mind in hers. She just…she...the human mind can't take that sort of knowledge. It was killing her, burning her up and…"

The Doctor took a shaky breath.

"I had to remove all her memories, of me, the Tardis, everything we did…everything…everything of the DoctorDonna. The Donna you met no longer exists. That Donna is dead…my best friend. And my mind killed her."

Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing; he thought that after all that trouble with the Daleks the Doctor would have _someone._

"And…Rose?"

"In the parallel universe, with the human me. I had to. I couldn't give her what she needed. He could."

The Doctor's eyes were full of tears. Jack watched as one escaped and fell onto his cheek. The Doctor angrily brushed it away and let out a quick huff of annoyance. He hated showing any weakness. Jack placed one hand on The Doctor's fully expecting him to jerk away. To his surprise and gratification he didn't. The Doctor needed contact comfort just as much as any sentient being.

"I just...needed to get away for a bit…before…"

The Doctor suddenly broke off his sentence. Eyes flashing up to Jack's before he started talking again. What was he hiding?

"Just, getting away from everything."

He let out a rueful laugh. Jack could see how much it cost him.

"Running. Again. Story of my life…"

Jack decided to take the plunge.

"Me too. Doc, I did something, something bad..."

"Join the club."

"This isn't a joke!" Jack shouted angrily, couldn't the Doctor see how much he was hurting too?

As soon as he'd shouted he regretted the outburst. It was only then Jack remembered that the Time lord was drunk and that he didn't know how to deal with a drunken Doctor.

"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT!?" The Doctor stood up and threw the cup of tea across the room. Jack had never seen him so angry, so quickly.

"YOU THINK I DON'T REALISE THAT? I'M JUST …JUST SICK AND TIRED OF THINGS GOING WRONG, OK? I HATE IT. I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

The Doctor hurled his chair across the room in frustration and glared at Jack. Jack was scared, dying was nothing compared to what The Doctor could do when angry. He lowered his voice in a way that was even more menacing then the shouting.

"…and you have no idea what I've been through, I just want the universe to give me a bit of kindness…just once. But no. Ever since I was _born_ Jack, my life has been like this..."

He threw his hands up in the air and raised his face to the ceiling.

"WHAT DID I DO? WHAT WAS IT THAT MADE MY LIFE HELL, FROM DAY ONE? HUH? WHY ME? WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!"

He lowered his voice again, the edge in his eyes was lethal "It's not fair."

He glanced at Jack and all of a sudden his eyes softened, as if remembering that Jack was a friend, not an enemy.

He snorted and laughed quietly to himself and dropped his arms. All the anger just seemed to seep out of him. It took a moment for Jack to realise the Doctor was ashamed of himself.

"My life's a joke, Jack….I'm sorry I shouted at you."

Jack nodded, he could understand.

"I know."

He smiled hesitantly at The Doctor.

"Your life isn't a joke Doc, You've saved so many people, and yeah, sometimes it's hard…but, no, your life has never been a joke."

The Doctor had calmed down somewhat, but still seemed a bit shaken at his own outburst. He grabbed another chair and sat down again, facing Jack. The pain in his eyes made Jack shiver. This wasn't only because he had lost Donna, there was something else…

"Jack, you don't know the half of it."

The Doctor drew a hand over his face, as if trying to wipe away the memories.

"But anyway…that's old news, "he said. "What…what about you? I'm sorry I wasn't listening before…" His eyes regained some of the gleam of curiosity Jack was used to. Not much of that gleam, but still…

The Captain shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Now the Doc was beginning to sober up he wasn't so sure that this talk was a good thing.

"What have you been drinking?" He blurted, stalling for a little time.

The Doctor looked shocked "how did…?"

"I know? Doc, the smell is following you like bad egg… I didn't know you could actually get like…" He waved a hand over the Doctor, "…like this,"

The Doctor gave a sheepish grin. That was good, some semblance of normality.

"I can get a bit, well, drunk, but only if I drink a lot…and only then if it's strong." He frowned in annoyance. "Doesn't last too long though. Not long enough."

"I know exactly what you mean, Doc…There was this one time..," Jack started to say.

He was cut of by the Doctor whose broken expression was slowly turning intrigued and concerned all at once. Jack had said they needed to talk; now he was having misgivings about telling the Doc that.

"Hold on did you say that you'd done something bad?" The Doctor asked, "What do you mean, 'something bad'?"

Jack swallowed. Would the Doc hate him for what he did?

Would he be forgiven for his actions, all the mistakes he had made? So many mistakes. Mistakes that he wouldn't forgive other people. Did that make him a hypocrite? Probably. But he still kept on making them mistakes. Someone had to.

"Jack." The Doctor drew out his name like he did when wanted something. Or when he was wary of what Jack might do. "What happened? Did something happen to Earth? Jack?"

Captain Jack Harkness gazed deep into The Doctor's eyes and said the only thing that could protect him from the horror of his decisions. His only defence.

"You weren't there."

The Doctor looked worried now, wondering what had made Jack retreat into himself.

"Weren't there for what?"

"The children."

The Doctor frowned. "What children Jack?"

"The Children of Earth."

The Doctor didn't know why, but the words sent a chill down his spine.

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Reviews are EVERYTHING! no, really, they are.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I'm BACK! God this one was a struggle to write, really a struggle :( Damn that coursework that i SHOULD be doing! Sorry this took so long to get put up, and i'm very sorry that it's a bit short...it's just that recently my life has been like a hectic thing on hectic drugs...ie; not good:( Anyway, here's a chapter that's a bit filler-ish...enjoy!

Oh and i've just realised....this isn't exactly a drabble anymore, is it?

Disclaimer: No. Nein. non. How many languages do you want me to say it in?

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The Doctor eyed Jack with apprehension. Just seconds earlier he had been teasing information out of the Doctor, a balm for his troubles. Now…Jack needed someone to help _him_. The immortal man. Needed someone to save him.

And The Doctor didn't know what to do.

Scarily enough, that was becoming more and more commonplace lately.

"What happened Jack?" he asked softly.

The Captain broke off from the intense stare he had been giving the Doctor, too ashamed now to even meet his eyes. How could he really blame The Doctor for what happened? The Doctor was one man. One man who had the weight of the Universe on his shoulders. And the Earth was so tiny. The people so small. The Doctor couldn't always be there.

But Jack had been. And still he had failed. Making his actions all the worse.

Jack tried to restrain his emotions. Throughout the entire conversation he had managed to keep them in check, being a calm observer to The Doctor's breakdown. It was Jack who had been acting as the strong one, been the one who acted as if he knew what he was doing. In short, The Captain had been acting like The Doctor.

But he just couldn't do it any more.

"I was stupid." He said. "I did something…terrible …and I just don't know how…"

He couldn't continue, he didn't know what he needed.

The Doctor finished his sentence, quietly, without judgement "…how to forgive yourself."

Jack nodded.

The Doctor looked uneasy for a moment and Jack didn't know why. He looked as if he wanted to help, or at the very least, say something, but instead was internally wrestling with himself. What exactly had put The Doctor so out of sync? Was Jack himself the reason for the Doctors apparent distress?

But then The Doctor appeared to draw himself together, banishing any sign of inner struggle or discomfort. To Jack, it looked as if any ghosts of the Doctor's had finished their haunting, sent back to the oblivion from whence they came.

Only The Doctor knew that the guilt and shame, the pain and sorrow, all that _anger_ were anything but gone. But he wasn't going to tell Jack that. Especially now that Jack needed his help.

Something he could never say no to.

"Jack..." he said hesitantly, as if weighing up how the Captain would react to his next sentence.

"…Whatever's happened, whatever you've done. I'm not going to judge you. God knows, I've done things I'm not proud of, " _oh so many things "_and if you don't want to say then…that's your call, but I want to _help_ Jack." He stressed the word, if there was one thing the Doctor could do to save Jack from this spiral into depression…just one… he'd do it.

It's the least he could do for ruining Jack's life.

He put his hand over Jack's now. Returning the favour. Showing how much he meant to him, even if it wasn't in the way Jack would have wanted.

Jack's eyes flicked up to his in slight shock. The Doctor had never initiated any kind of intimacy with him before. It gave him strength.

The Doctor looked at him kindly, softly, so caring. The Doctor he had always known, eyes holding the same image even when their colour had changed.

"All you need to do is tell me" He said.

And so Jack did.

He told the Doctor everything. And to hell with the consequences.

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Don't let the wait put you off reviewing! It wasn't my fault!!!! Lol


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Here it is, the next chapter, within a week-ish...like i promised :) and it's LONG...well, longer then most of the other chapters....anyway, this one may be a bit pants, because my computer ate the first type up..and i had to re-do it completely from memory! Which is just evil (

Disclaimer: Torchwood is owned by a guy. Doctor Who is also owned by a guy. I am a girl. What does that tell you?

* * *

Jack told The Doctor about the 456. No lies. No evasions. Not even a slight tweak of the truth to make him appear less guilty, less wrong. It was the least he could do. For Steven and Ianto, for Alice and Clement MacDonald, for all those children he had sent to a living death. It was the only apology he could ever give them.

Even if the people he was apologising to could never hear it.

He told a carefully blank faced Doctor how he had given away the first children to the 456. Told how he had looked into their trusting, innocent faces and _lied_. Lied and said that they were going on an adventure with Uncle Jack. He told The Doctor that they had chosen Jack because they needed someone _who didn't care_. They couldn't understand that he had no choice but not to care.

He explained that the children were given away for a reason, given away for an antivirus that could save the entire human race. He told The Doctor how he had justified it, how he had weighed the benefits of saving humanity over the cost of losing twelve innocents. How it was easier when you didn't know the names, when no-one would miss them. How it was easier to just believe the 456 were telling the truth. That they were never returning.

"But they did" he said, "They came back knowing they could do it again."

He told The Doctor how the 456 had used a wavelength to speak through the children. How he didn't realise it was them at first, how in the beginning it just appeared to be another alien threat who had decided to play sick games with them. He told The Doctor how it had worked perfectly.

"Everyone was terrified. Completely helpless to stop the children from relaying the 456's announcements," He swallowed the bile that was rising at the mere thought of the children talking in eerie unison "Imagine it Doctor, the whole world gone mad in an instant and we could do nothing to prevent it."

"The sheer _ease_ at which it happened was the most horrifying part", he said to The Doctor, his hand still holding on to his tightly, "it was like they could do anything". Unseen and untouchable. The worst kind of enemy.

Then Jack told The Doctor how he had realised that it was the same threat that they had faced before. That the 456 had returned. The pure unadulterated fear he had felt. And the shame…the guilt. The raw, angry, oozing guilt; hot tar burning into to already painful wounds. He told The Doctor of the look on Gwen's face when she realised what a monster The Captain was. And how empty he felt when he heard her try to deny it. And failed. How he felt when Clement MacDonald, the child who had run away before, cried because the man that plagued his nightmares, the man who sent him and his friends to their deaths, _couldn't die himself_.

That was the evil of it. He couldn't die himself.

Jack faltered then. Not knowing whether The Doctor would renegade on his earlier promise not to judge. He wouldn't blame him if he did. His heart seemed to stop while he waited for The Doctor's response.

The Doctor nodded at him, wordlessly telling him to continue, telling him that he was not judging him. The story must be told. Debts must be paid. Promises must be kept.

As Jack carried on his voice took on a darker, harsher edge, "We were determined to stop it, this time, _I _was determined, if there was one thing I could do to make up for what I had done, I would have done it without a second thought. But do you know what happened?...The government happened. Less then twenty people around the table, speaking for billions."

He told The Doctor how the 456 had asked for, no_, demanded_ one tenth of the world's child population. How they had wanted this time, not twelve children…but _millions. _And the most sickening part? The government was complying. It was _negotiating_. As if this were nothing more then new laws regarding animal produce. As if the children were something they could bargain over.

"The Government, the United Nations…even UNIT. None of them were even discussing whether they could even try and fight or not. Oh, they entertained the idea, for about a minute…then decided it was just easier, better for _them_ if they did what the 456 told them to." He gritted his teeth and his nostrils flared "And they were _planning_. They were figuring out the quickest and easiest way to get the children away from their families, drawing up transport plans and figuring out the practical parts of the transporting the units. That's what they called the children. Units. Numbers, objects, a statistic. Never regarded as _children. _And they were _ready_, ready to give away millions of other people's kids. Ready to lie about it"

Anger flashed across The Doctor's face. The Oncoming Storm looked ready to strike and there would be no survivors. His dark brown eyes looked endless, like looking into oblivion. It was first time that he had shown any kind of emotion throughout Jack's monologue. The Doctor spoke then, his voice low and dangerous, "They called them _Units?_" He asked "As if they weren't living, feeling, sentient beings? As if they were nothing?"

They both knew that this wasn't what The Doctor was most angry about, but it was the only injustice he could name without breaking his promise. He wasn't going to judge Jack. The Captain appreciated his efforts, even though he didn't feel like he deserved it. He wasn't going to argue. The Doctor was the only friend he had now.

The two men were silent for a time. Both seething over the Government's actions. Both reliving scenarios were Governments, leaders, could have handled a situation better, and could have made the _right_ decisions, even if the consequences were greater. Both men knew it was a lose: lose situation. At least both of them knew, knew that they had never done something to _look_ good. Never made a decision based on how they would be seen once the trouble was over. At least they had that comfort.

The Captain jerked himself back into reality. The story was far from over and the worst was yet to come. "I thought that this time, this time we could fight. Take back what we lost, what _I _lost the first time we dealt with the 456."

Jack grasped The Doctor's hand all the tighter, readying himself for the next awful part of his tale. "I rushed in…demanded a war, demanded that they left Earth and never returned. I thought I could win." He murmured.

Stupid Captain Jack Harkness. Starting a war that Earth wasn't ready to start. That people weren't ready to fight in. Who was he to say that they would give them a war? He wasn't even originally from the planet. An outsider. A threat. Just like the monsters who wanted their children.

He proceeded to tell The Doctor how the 456 had obliged, giving humanity a show of their power. Murdering everyone in the building with them. His voice cracked under the strain.

"But we couldn't. We couldn't win." Jack sounded as if someone was blocking his airway, forcing out each word, one by one. "And, they ...Doctor, they killed Ianto." He gripped The Doctor's hand, like he was afraid of letting go, a drowning man. "He would follow me into the deepest pits of hell, and he told me that he loved me. And they _murdered _him…" He looked to the ceiling, as if searching for a way out of the horror. "And I, ..do you know what I said?...I said _Don't. _My one chance, to tell him what he meant to me…and I said _don't…_Oh God…. _Ianto._" He appealed to The Doctor, begging for a way out of the pain…or at least for a way for him not to _feel_ the pain anymore. "What does that make me?"

The Doctor said nothing for a moment. His eyes reflecting Jack's pain and finding it hard not to break himself. In his mind, a friend's pain was worse then anything…especially if there was no way to remove that pain.

He answered his question. "It makes you human Jack." His chest heaved as he finished his sentence, remembering all the hurts of his companions, as if he had felt them himself, "It just makes you _oh_, so Human."

Jack just held The Doctor's hands in his. Silent save his muffled sobs. This wasn't the end. Not yet. He had to carry on.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Easy.

Jack continued his story.

"When I came back to life, I found out that Clement MacDonald, the child who had escaped the first time…they killed him too, used the wavelength to rip his brain apart. That's when we realised, that was their weakness…that frequency, we could use that against them, defeat them. We thought it was a good thing, thought that _this, _this was when we could show them that the Human race wasn't to be messed with."

He laughed harshly, in a place so full of pain that it no longer mattered.

"God was I wrong. Oh, yes, of course the frequency could be used, but you see, maybe the 456 were too greedy, maybe they had underestimated just how much they had frightened the human race, didn't see how far they had pushed us….because they didn't destroy the children….just Clem."

Jack watched The Doctor's face as the full impact of the sentence hit him. When it did, The Doctor physically recoiled.

"The link!" He exclaimed, voice hollow with horror.

"I had no choice. The only way we could make sure that the 456 left and never returned was by using a child….blasting the frequency back to the source and sending them away forever." Jack's voice was measured and even now. Neutral. Distant. That more then anything told The Doctor that Jack meant it. He really didn't have any other choice.

But there was something else. It was in the way Jack clasped onto his hand, it was in the tensing of his muscles and it was in the way Jack breathed. Like he was remembering how to.

"Who did use loose Jack?" He asked.

Jack looked right at the Doctor, into his eyes as if looking for something to hold onto.

The Doctor could tell that it wasn't him that Jack was trying to reach.

No. Jack was somewhere else, not seeing the brown of The Doctor's eyes, or the grey and white of the grimy cafeteria. He was somewhere were the deep rumble of the spaceships engines didn't exist, where the smell of coffee and tea and alcohol bought back good memories, instead of painful ones.

Jack was in a place where the hand he held in his was a lot smaller and the eyes he stared into so much younger.

"His name was Steven" He said "And he was my Grandson"

Saying it made the pain worse.

And The Doctor held him as he cried.

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Reviews=quicker chapter posts!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Argghhh! This was a pain to write, let me tell you. This was hit by writers block so bad and every time I sat down to do it I could write maybe a couple of lines, then I couldn't get any further. By the Gods it was horrible. And I'm really sorry to all those people who I said, "oh yeah maybe a week…" blah, blah, blah, like…_months _ago. I just couldn't do it. So I'm really, really sorry for keeping you waiting. It was just so damn awkward to write. So if I ever promise you something, don't worry, I'll do it…but it might take a little longer then you expected…and this goes for my other stories too.

Disclaimer: I have a damn cold! But even searching through my paraphernalia of drugs, I couldn't find the rights to Doctor Who or Torchwood. And believe me, if I did have them that's where they'd be kept.

Don't judge me _

Ps. I have re-read and edited this one so many times it's unreal :(

…

* * *

Jack sobbed into The Doctors coat, his whole body shaking with the memories of those terrible five days. It was the first time since then that he'd cried. Real, unstoppable tears that he couldn't cry before. He had been just too numb. It was as if his life had been a phantom limb, feeling the itch but nothing was there. But now, how everything had got that much sharper, clearer and the pain wracked through him in full force.

The only comfort Jack had was in the soft feel of The Doctor's coat on his skin, in the movement of The Doctor's cool hands as he stroked Jacks hair, in the sound of his voice as he soothed the immortal, in the sweet aroma that he couldn't quite place, but had stayed the same, regardless of regeneration.

He laughed a little hysterically. Shame, he'd always wanted The Doctor to hold him like that. It had only taken the destruction of his entire life, after all.

But there was nothing romantic about this and Jack was glad. Because the last thing he needed was the feeling that he had somehow betrayed Ianto. The very last thing he needed.

The Doctor was just a friend, trying so hard to heal another friend's pain.

The Doctor pulled back a little as Jack laughed and The Captain missed the comfort. He said nothing though, because he knew damned well he didn't deserve it.

He nodded towards The Doctor's now damp shoulder, "You're gonna have to get a new coat." he said. It was just another weak attempt to try and ignore the pain.

The Doctor smirked, a little sadly, at the absurdity of the statement. That was the thing he loved about the Human race. They always tried to keep going, to laugh, to joke, even when their whole world had been destroyed.

Especially when their whole world had been destroyed.

"I'm sorry." he said.

Jack's eyes closed, as if he was hiding from the words.

_I'm Sorry. _

The words felt empty on The Doctor's tongue. Words that could never ease the hurt, but were said nevertheless. Because really, honestly, what else could he say?

Silence enclosed the two men, full of things that should have been said. Should have been there, should have done things differently and should have run when given the chance.

Should, should, should.

They both knew they should have done a lot of things.

Jack opened his eyes again. The gap in sound becoming awkward and painful, with unspoken wishes and questions and hopes and dreams and the silent build up of regrets was starting to become overwhelming. But he couldn't find anything to say. Or rather, he had too much to say.

He couldn't look The Doctor in the eyes. Not yet, so he kept them trained on their hands. He realised then that he had been rubbing his thumb over The Doctor's skin, tracing little patterns on the Time Lord's hand. There was a scar there, a V shape. He'd have to ask about it sometime.

He found himself staring at their hands for a while, totally lost in thoughts about everything and nothing. Just…floating. Pretending that there were only their hands in front of him. Nothing else but their hands and the pain.

Nothing. Just nothing.

The Doctor kept quiet. He wanted to talk. To tell Jack that it would be fine. That everything would get better. That time would make it hurt less. But he didn't want to lie to Jack. Didn't want to make things even harder to bear. Didn't want to give him false hope. Didn't want to draw him out of his quiet contemplation, because that would mean facing reality. He wouldn't force that on Jack. Not if he wasn't ready.

And from the looks of it, Jack was far from ready.

Well, that made two of them, as he wasn't in the best of shapes either. To be honest, he'd just about had enough.

So he wouldn't say another word.

Not until Jack did.

…

* * *

It had been a few hours since The Doctor had last spoken, but Jack had hardly noticed the time go by. Too busy trying to hide from the grief to think about anything else. After all, what was time to him anymore? Just a steady flow of moments he wished had gone slower, or quicker.

But the pain was still there, clawing out a hole in his chest and Jack's only escape was trying to concentrate on what was there with him.

The Doctor. The hands that held his. The pulse strong in his fingers. That's all. The here and now.

Except, life didn't work that way, and he knew that though The Doctor had managed to sit stone still for hours on end, for once waiting for Jack, the Time Lord wasn't going to stay forever. So he pulled his hands from The Doctor's, signalling that the time was over for silence. That he was ready to talk again. Or at least, ready to say anything to keep him to stay.

"What would you have done, in my position?" He asked quietly.

"I don't know."

"Bollocks." He hadn't meant to swear at The Doctor, but he was desperate for someone to tell him what he did was the only way. Or maybe he was desperate for someone to tell him he was to blame. Jack wasn't sure. All he knew was that The Doctor had promised not to judge, but after telling him everything, Jack needed some sort of closure from the Time Lord. After all, The Doctor was the only person in the universe who could possibly understand him right now.

The Doctor leaned forward and spoke forcefully "Jack. Listen to me. I _can't _tell you what I would do, because I really, honestly don't know."

Jack opened his mouth to argue, but The Doctor cut across him "I mean it Jack, I just don't know." He sighed, "I really hate that."

Jack frowned, "Hate what?"

The Doctor scratched his cheek, clearly uncomfortable with what he was about to say. "I hate that everyone seems to expect me to know exactly what to do." He gave a lopsided grin that failed to hide the despair in his words "I usually just make it up as I go along you know."

Jack raised an eyebrow, "And there's me thinking that every time we got into a situation, you had a carefully thought out plan." The ghost of a grin flittered across his face, "Oh what lies, Doctor."

The Doctor snorted, "Seriously though, sometimes it drives me mad." He turned his head slightly, looking unsure of himself, and offered Jack a little smile, asking for forgiveness "I really am sorry though."

The Captain grimaced "I know….but what for this time?"

"For not being there when you needed me."

"Doctor." Jack needed to make at least _this _right, he couldn't have the Doctor feeling guilty for a problem that was, essentially, Jack's fault. "Don't apologise for that. I didn't really mean it, when I said you weren't there. Ok?" He watched The Doctors face for any changes indicating he was listening to Jack. There wasn't.

The Doctor didn't say anything. He just looked as troubled as ever.

Jack continued, determined to make the point clear. "Look, earlier when I said that, I wasn't thinking clearly. I was just….everything seemed better if it wasn't my fault. If I could blame somebody else. And I blamed you, unfairly." He gave The Doctor a nudge with his hand. "Sorry."

"Thanks." The other man said. "But I really don't deserve it. I should have been there. I should have at least known about it."

The Doctor tapped his hand on the table, agitated and pushed his chair back. Like he was trying to get away from something. Hiding. Running away. He looked, bitter, Jack thought.

The Doctor looked bitter and scared and tired. And old. So old.

"I should have at least checked on Earth Jack. But _no_…too caught up in myself, that's my problem." He wouldn't meet Jack's eyes; he kept shifting, looking everywhere and nowhere. The Doctor scowled and Jack got the impression it was at himself more than anything.

"I did everything I could to get away from twenty-first century Earth Jack. Everything."

Then The Doctor actually looked at him, telling the truth straight for once. "I guess I'm still avoiding Earth now."

"Why?" Jack asked softly, "Was it because of what happened to Donna?"

"No." The Doctor closed his eyes "But…just… Humanity… In general. I can't be dealing with you lot right now." He shook his head; eyes still shut tight "No offence, but humans have been giving me a hell of a lot of trouble recently."

Not knowing what The Doctor meant exactly, Jack made a guess, "Are you ashamed of us?" He couldn't blame The Doctor if he was. Not after what he'd just told him.

The Doctor's eyes flew open. "Ashamed?" he asked in bewilderment "How could I ever be ashamed?"

"What happened recently…?"

"Was because of a small number of people." finished The Doctor firmly. "Not the fault of an entire species."

Then he muttered under his breath, so low that Jack almost missed it. "If anything, Humanity's too good for me."

Jack grimaced, "Yeah, because murdering your grandchild is a good thing."

The Doctor looked at him sharply and realised that sympathy wasn't going to help Jack now. He needed something to cling to, a concept. Anything.

"Jack, I'm never going to condone what you did," The Doctor watched Jack's jaw tighten in pain and knew he had to finish this sentence quickly, before the Captain got the wrong idea "and before you say anything. Listen..." He eyed Jack, making sure that he was paying full attention to what was being said.

"I'm not condemning it either." Jack looked puzzled, so The Doctor felt he should explain some more.

"Look, I'm old Jack, I've seen and done things so much worse than you could imagine. I'm not innocent or good or wise or even right. And I definitely don't know everything." He shrugged "I've had more than nine-hundred years to make mistakes…and let me tell something, you the older you get, the worse the mistakes become, but…" He said moving closer, "If there's anything I've learnt over the years, just one thing…It's that sometimes an action isn't right _or_ wrong. That there is no good or evil. Sometimes all that matters is what's necessary."

The Doctor grasped Jack's hands again, making his point clear. "What you did Jack, with Steven, it was _necessary_, you _had _to sacrifice him, for Humanity." He motioned to The Captain "The pair of you saved the world Jack, that's important."

"Alice, my daughter, Steven's mother, she didn't seem to think so. She'll never forgive me."

The Doctor's face saddened "No."

"I guess that's the price, isn't it? The guilt." Understanding that you have to live with the consequences, realising there will never be a happy ever after.

The Doctor nodded.

"Does it ever get any easier?" He asked. Already knowing the answer, but praying that by some miracle he had got it wrong.

The Doctor's face became grave, knowing that he could do one of two things. Tell the truth at the risk of destroying Jack one last time, completely. Or lie, and leave him in a world of illusions and false hopes.

The Doctor hesitated, putting off his answer. Jack thought he had never looked so bleak, so hopeless.

"Don't lie." He said. _Please, please don't lie._

The Doctor's eyes narrowed slightly. Is that really what Jack wanted? Did he really want to live the rest of his life like The Doctor had? Alone, scared and wishing for impossible things? He couldn't be sure, and the problem was he wouldn't be until he had answered Jack. Except…maybe it was the last vestiges of alcohol left in his system, but he felt like he should be more open, more honest to Jack. He deserved the truth after all and who was The Doctor to tell him a lie? And weren't they similar? Wasn't Jack very much like The Doctor?

And The Doctor knew what he'd choose. Every time, however much it hurt. He would choose the truth over lies any day.

"It doesn't get any easier." He finally said. Jack closed his eyes, but in relief or despair, he didn't know. He continued; glad to get this feeling, this _truth_ off his chest after such a long time of lying. "Sometimes you forget, sometimes, it stays hidden for such a long time…But no. It never gets easier."

And for some reason, it felt _right_. Saying this to Jack. Maybe because he was the only one who understood why this was better then the false, but beautiful lies.

"Good." Jack replied. "I don't want it to get easier. If it did, it wouldn't hurt so much, and I might turn into somebody that just doesn't care any more." He opened his eyes, and for the first time since The Doctor had seen him, they were clear. Decisive. "I've got to feel this way. So I don't let them down again. I won't let them down again." He knew what he would do next. It might be difficult. But he knew.

The Doctor wished he could be like that.

He smiled at Jack. Knowing that at least one person in the room was ready to move on, to have a future. For the moment that was enough.

"Ahh, Humanity. Best race in the universe, in my opinion." He winked half-heartedly at Jack. "Don't tell anyone else though, they might get jealous."

The Doctor could practically feel the mask he always wore settling back on his face again after this heart to hearts with Jack. That was fine. Jack was the priority here, not him. Even though what he did weighed him down so much, it didn't matter, because Jack could be redeemed. Jack could get better.

He was sure that after all these years of never getting better, it was a bit late for him.

Jack snorted with laughter at the remark, and then his face became earnest with gratitude "Thanks Doctor. I needed this."

"Nah, don't thank me. You would have done the same thing. And you probably would have done it better than me," He laughed slightly, "I'm not really the best person to get advice from, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly people savvy. Rude. That's me. I'll insult someone as soon as look at them."

"Yeah I noticed." There was still something that niggled at Jack, something that The Doctor had said earlier that caught his attention. That and the alcohol and the shouting and the violence he had seen earlier seemed to add up to something Very Bad going on in The Doctor's life.

He mentally went through what had happened up to this moment, The Doctor had landed, said something odd, what was it? _Gone too far_. Yes. That was it; _gone too far._..then…he had said something about needing to _get away_. Get away from what? Then the explosion came, The Doctor ranting away at the world at large, shouting that he'd _had enough_. That it wasn't _fair_.

These weren't the words of The Doctor he had admired for years. They were the words of a beaten, terrified man. Something The Doctor would never admit to.

He needed to find out what had happened. The Doctor was helping him heal. Why not the other way round?

"What happened to you?" He asked.

The Doctor looked at him, unnerved. Was it really that clear?

"Nothing, Nothing. Just you know…same old life…travelling, time, space…you know how it is…..Why do you ask?"

He was lying, Jack could tell. It was in the tone of his voice. He sounded just too innocent. Too unworried.

"Oh" He replied, furiously trying to figure some way of making The Doctor open up to him, "I just thought you looked a little off colour, that's all," That was an understatement. There was rough looking and then there was how The Doctor seemed now. Like he was made of shadows and contrasts and angles. He continued, "And you said something…about going too far?"

"Well…"The Doctor said, still using that off hand voice that meant, under the surface, something was troubling him. And he wasn't going to say. At least not without some considerable persuasion. "I did spend a few sleepless nights in the courts of Queen Elizabeth the 1st" He grimaced "That was surreal few days." The Doctor just ignored the last question, telling Jack more than anything else could, that something The Doctor had done was hurting him.

"What were you doing there?" Jack was genuinely curious, but also hoping that this might lead to more information about what had happened. Or at least some explanation for his behaviour earlier.

"Long story, let's just say that I won't be returning to _that_ time frame in any hurry." The Doctor shuddered in mock horror, "No way."

Jack could feel himself easing into the old routine with The Doctor, teasing, playing. Just like old times. Except it wasn't, because everything hurt so much more and Jack knew that if he didn't get The Doctor to confide in him now, then he never would. Maybe it was none his business. Maybe he would just make things worse. But the Universe would go to hell before Jack would let The Doctor leave his presence looking as dejected as when he had arrived. And if that meant getting The Doctor to talk, then so be it.

He tried to take control of the conversation once more, to steer it towards making The Doctor admit to his problems. "So where are you off to next?" he asked. A nice simple, harmless question. Always the best way to start when poking around for information and let's not say all those years as a con-man went to waste.

So, a completely risk-free question. A non-invasive, soft question that shouldn't have garnered any kind of extreme emotional response. Except it did. And Jack pretty damn sure that The Doctor had stopped breathing, if only for a moment.

Then The Doctor inhaled again and the flash of fear Jack had seen in him vanished, but it had left Jack worried, really, really worried. What was so terrifying about his future? Especially when the man in question was a time-travelling alien. A time-travelling alien who had always ran _towards_ the future. Never, ever away from it.

"Doctor?" He asked, unsure why this question had created such an impact, concerned that this would make the Doctor become even more withdrawn. The last thing he had wanted to achieve.

Finally The Doctor answered his question, but haltingly, trying so hard to pretend that this was normal, that he wasn't evading all mentions of his life. "I thought, maybe, I'd head off to, possibly the Darganeum galaxies? Maybe name one?" The Doctor wasn't using any sort of decisive language, it was all '_maybe, possibly' _But nothing concrete. He'd even turned the sentences into questions for God's sake! Jack wasn't any kind of linguistics expert, but even he could tell that this was the words of someone who had something to hide. And in The Doctor's case it could only be something terrible. But what?

Jack decided to play along for a while, meaning to humour The Doctor till he made a mistake. And he would, of course he would. Someone as talkative as The Doctor was bound to say something he didn't mean to, even if it was only a little pointer of what was wrong.

"So I guess you'll be going there soon then?" Jack knew it was something about the future that had The Doctor spooked, so he figured if he kept alluding to it, The Doctor might say…well, even him saying _something _would be a result. Instead of his constant trait of hiding behind meaningless babble.

"Maybe." The Doctor replied.

Again, with the _maybe_. Like he wasn't sure of himself anymore. A chilling thought occurred to Jack then, _What if he had never been sure of himself?_ What if The Doctor was just like him? Just a man who happened to hide everything better than Jack did. That thought scared Jack more than he'd like to admit.

He tried to get The Doctor to say something, anything with conviction. "I suppose it's not as if you have any pressing appointments is it?" He faked a laugh. If he wasn't so concerned that might have been funny, the image of The Doctor planning out his social life. As it was, the sentence just dug into him, reminding him painfully of Ianto's near obsession when writing in his diary.

The effect it had on The Doctor however, was far greater than Jack had anticipated. He froze entirely, this time clearly not breathing at all. Like his body had shut down. Frozen in time. He stared unerringly at Jack, pupils dilated wide with dread. The Captain felt the only reason The Doctor hadn't left yet, was because he was too terrified of what would happen if he did.

And then The Doctor tried to smile.

It was false, fixed, like it had been moulded out of plastic. And it made Jack feel very small. Because at that moment he knew whatever had happened to The Doctor, it hadn't just hurt him. It had changed him too. Broken him.

The Doctor attempted to answer Jack's question, voice bright with false cheer. "Nope." He said. "None at all."

At this Jack had seen and heard enough. The Doctor could leave him behind, could pretend that everything was fine, he could be broken and hurt and grieving and scared. But he wasn't going to let The Doctor lie to him. Not anymore, not after everything. Never again.

He leant in closer towards The Doctor, never once breaking eye contact and whispered, "_Stop lying to me."_

The Doctor immediately stopped smiling.

"What?" he said.

"I mean it Doctor. Lie to others if you want, just don't lie to me."

The Doctor was silent. He couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't be a lie.

Jack snorted in disbelief and moved away from The Doctor, "Even after everything I've just told you, even after everything we've been through, you still won't admit to what's troubling you." He shook his head "Of course it's probably some Time Lord thing, your version of a stiff upper lip, but I've always wondered, when you're on your own, how do you stay sane?" Jack saw a flicker of anger dance in The Doctor's eyes. Good. Anything for a response that isn't a lie.

"I mean, when I'm at my worst, there's normally someone I can rely on, like you today, but you…" He laughed a little, but inwardly hating himself for what he was doing to The Doctor, _for_ The Doctor "I mean, how can you even stand yourself?"

He watched as The Doctor's jaw clenched in a rigid line, his hands tightening into fists on the table. Angry and tense. The Destroyer of Worlds.

Then The Doctor answered and Jack heard four words that he knew would regret hearing for the rest of his life.

"Who says I can?"

Jack knew then he'd overstepped a boundary that should never have been breached. But it was too late now.

Time to ride out the storm.

…

This is more than 3,900 words long. If that doesn't deserve at least _one_ review then I don't know what does. So please? Forgive me for my lateness and review!


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